:: Youth & Eternity ::
Hon, let me paint you a little picture of life here at chez Amanda. You may want to sit down for this. Nobody matters but me. Good night!
[2004-01-09 @ 3:20 p.m.]

Ah, Karen Walker's words of wisdom. Life is good, life is good.

Today is a good day. Today it snowed. It didn't snow a great deal, of course, but considering that it was 70 degrees (Farenheit) on Monday, I think we've done considerably well for ourselves 'round here. I got a full day off of school, and thus providing me a nearly angst-free day.

See, since I was a kid I've always been able to just wake up, and without looking out the window, I know it snowed. There's a bit of frost on the panes of the window, the sky is grey and my room is bright, and I just know without seeing the ground. So, I woke up at 6 am (without an alarm or a nudge from my mum), and thought, "Yep. I've got the day off," rolled over, and laid there with my eyes closed for about an hour. Then my brother stood over me and told me to wake up and get to school, and I told him I'm not that stupid, and kept laying there for another hour, then I came downstairs and watched Sean Astin on Regis and Kelly. Quality stuff there, I'm tellin' ya.

It's weird, though. I love the snow, I love the cold of winter and the chill of my breath and the naked trees, but I don't innocently love it as I did when I was a kid. I can't enjoy anything like I did then. Everything was a momentous occasion; when I traveled, it felt like I was someplace new. Now almost every place I see, whether I've been there or not, feels just the same as home. Sure, I get homesick when I'm on a trip with friends, but it's not for my house as much as it is for my family. I love nature, and I always feel stirred when I see something beautiful that I had never seen before, but I can't feel like it's new to me. It seems as though nothing lives up to my expectations, and I can't lower those expectations, no matter how I try.

I noticed that it doesn't always just happen with my surroundings, but events as well. I can go to the best party, and I just feel like I'm there. I can be connecting with friends, and I just feel like we're talking. When I went to junior prom (my first dance, being the non-social loser that I am), I just felt like, "Is this what senior prom's gonna be like? Why did I waste precious money and time?" I can't help it. Something can be nostalgic and have a lot of attatched memories, but I don't feel like I need it. Maybe I'm just waiting to feel ecstatic about a place and people because I know, subconciously, that there's a lot better out there waiting for me.

Well, if that be the case, then I'm eager to wait.

Wasn't that a nice sentence, that last one? It was like an oxymoron or a paradox. Nice. Don't I feel smart? Hardy har har. OH! Guess what's out today? Guess? No, not "Chasing Liberty". Well, yeah, that one just came out, but that's not what I'm excited about (though that guy, what's-his-face, is pretty cute)...Think... Big Fish! AHHHHH!!! Geez, I love Burton flicks. The visuality of them provides a lot of invert themes that you can just dig your teeth into. Like, Edward Scissorhands was a monochromatic character, but he was introduced into this chromatic world, yet he remained the one with the most coloured soul. Isn't that great? And the Avon lady kept trying to cover up his artistic symbolism with face creams in purples and greens, and that also served many metaphorical purposes... and I can just keep going on and on explaining the wardrobe and hair choices, but we won't get into that.

I have the Chieftains stuck in my head. Oh! Good news, I'm nearly finished with my 102 nearly-interesting facts about myself. They'll be put on this page sooner or later. And as soon as Hotlink is back up, I've got another addition to, well, add! I've adopted! No, not a baby, you idiot. I've adopted a character from Lotr, and I'm making a page devoted to the characters I keep. So, make sure to keep an eye out for them. Bet you can't guess what character it was... (that was sarcasm by the way).

There are still some problems with my cast page, and blah blah, but I'll try to work it out. I wish my mum would get me gold, but not until my b-day. Good thing it's coming soon. Like, in less than two months, I'm guessing. Well, if you're so curious, go look at my counter.

So, by next month Hotlink will be up again. I'm adding two new pages, and I'll change my layout, and then I'm getting a review. Things are moving fast for this little diary! Better late than never, I suppose. But, I think I've picked my review site, and such, so I'm all prepared. The problem now is buckling down and getting to the nitty-gritty.

Oh! I took some quizzes off my friend's page. My results are as follows:

You speak like 'Lij! I will now label you young,
geeky and opinionated.

Which LotR male cast member do you sound like?
brought to you by Quizilla

I think it's official, you are obsessed!

How obsessed with LOTR are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Now you know. Yep, I'm geeky and highly opinionated, and I'm obsessed with having no life. So, there you have it! Hey, just because I'm a geek without a life doesn't mean I'm a loser, so you can stop thinking that. Especially considering the fact that one day you'll be working for me, so keep it in mind next time you think I'm a loser. I'm the only one that can say such a thing about myself. LOOOOSSSSEEERRR! And proud. A very tired loser, as a matter of fact. There's not too much to do around here. I talked on the phone for a while (a loooong while), and, otherwise, nadda. Naddathing. I played in the snow with my brother, let my next door neighbor make fun of me, etc.

You know, she really shouldn't make fun of me, because at least my friends like me. I don't wanna talk about people, but it bothers me to no end that she thinks so highly of herself that she remains blind to the fact that her "friends" think she's an annoying witch. I know there are a lot of people that don't like me because I'm a strong-willed person, but some people don't like me because I'm normally pretty quiet around people I don't know too well, and that gives the impression that I think I'm better than other people. On the contrary, I just feel like I'm not good enough or smart enough a lot. Then there's jealousy because I'm "teacher's pet" a lot, and my grades are good. But my friends and some acquaintances know better, and I really am a bright-spirited and loud and obnoxious girl once you get to know me. I've been described as "bubbly", but it takes a while to get to that point with me.

Well, that was an almost conceited tangent. Anyway, now for a change of subject. Do you ever get that feeling around someone that they're gonna be something great? Like, you just know by conversing with them that they're going to be successful and respected. For some reason, that sorta discourages me when I'm around those people, it breaks my spirits because I have such high hopes for my own future. I don't wanna end up a nobody while the same people I grew up with are gazillionaires. But, at the same time, I've heard from other people that they thought that way about me. One time a friend told me, "You're gonna be rich. I know it," and she told me that I memorize well and that I was intelligent, and she looks forward to seeing me on a screen or something. That made me happy, but, surprisingly, a little scared. And my mum says sometimes that my brother is destined for greatness, but I've only heard her say it once or twice concerning me. That's just painful to hear. I know my brother's bound for greatness, and I'm glad, but I'm depressed because I want to achieve something in my life. And today my mum was yelling at me, "You know, one day you're gonna be a mom and by yourself just like me and blah blah," and that really bothered me. I love and really look up to my mum, she's incredibly brilliant and I wonder sooo often how she ended up where she is because she could be the richest person alive if she had made different choices, and I really hope not to make the mistakes that she did and, one day, get where she belongs. But then she tells me in a mother-ish way that I'm gonna go down the same road that she did.

I know, I know. "Stop worrying about the future and dwell on today". Whatever, what happens will happen, and I'll embrace it when it comes. Hope is not born from despair, nor otherwise, so brace up, Amanda, and be cheerful. Think about happy things! Like... err... Big Fish and the new Incubus music out there that you haven't heard yet. They're, like, my second favourite band, and they've got all this new stuff out, and I have yet to hear it! Now that is despairing.

Well, I must take my leave. I hafta do a bit of research on New York Universities. I have to apply to other places than just Columbia, so I know where to send my SAT scores. And, yes, I'm planning on seeing The Perfect Score. Toodles!

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one thousand embraces

SILENCE, TRAITOR! - 2006-05-10
Irish History - 2006-05-02
Goodbye Bio! - 2006-05-01
DANCE, WATER! DANCE! - 2006-04-26
Gaaaaaah. - 2006-04-24

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