:: Youth & Eternity ::
Stand back, no pushing. Don't crowd the Pearly Gates. We can only let a few of you people in. All right, you, you, and you. You in the acid-washed jeans, you're gonna have to wait...a while.
[2004-01-10 @ 5:40 p.m.]

'Ello! That was a rather long title. For a, more than likely, short entry. Geez, this "I need to fix up my diary" thing is driving me insane. I can't work anything right, I might as well give up on computers forever. Just as well, I suck with them anyway. I'm not one to give up easily, but I can also recognise what my weaknesses are. Sports and computers are those weaknesses.

Oh! My! Gah! The college my dad works at and the college I'm planning on attending, Columbia University in NY, has, get this, a major film department. No, MAJOR. Superb, wonderful, five stars. If I don't go to this college, I will curl up into a little ball and die and then rot and my corpse will remain alone and forsaken by all of mankind, cold and dark and miserable. But if I attend, then you'll be working for me after I graduate. Ah-hem, one graduating student won the grand prize for a short film at Sundance (whoa!), another student's thesis screenplay won a Golden Lion at Venice (whoa!), and another student's thesis screenplay is soon-to-be filmed, starring Nicole Kidman and Brad Pitt. No lie. That, that, my friends, is astounding. So, I'm going for a duel. Journalism to fall back on, and as many screen and theatre performing arts credits that I can cram.

I know, I know. It's taking a big risk, picking that as a career path. My mum was, err, less than happy to hear it. But dueling my majors is as smart as I can make it, because then I can keep one job while searching for another, and no matter what, I'm happy with where I'll end up. 'Cuz if I can't make it in film, then I'm okay with journalism, but if I can make my one dream come true, then I'll be absolutely ecstatic. My dad doesn't know. He isn't going to find out, either. Not until I accept my diploma will he ever know that I doubled like I will, I'm certainly not going to break the news to him so he can take that all away. Trust me, he would, too.

I look at it this way: journalism isn't always office work, I could work for a magazine and get some fantastic experiences and I might get to travel and meet politicians and get a good pay, I'm pretty good at writing, not great, but I'm good enough to make some money off of it, and it's not something I'd hate to do. Acting is what I've wanted to do since I was 6, unfortunately, I've met some very sad, sad, pathetic women that have tried to go down that path and they've failed so miserably that they teach drama in highschool. That's where I meet them, highschool. I figure that if I don't screw up in my life by getting involved with the wrong people, and keeping my own aspirations just that, my own, without being influenced by others, then that's all I need. That and a paycheck large enough to keep me in designer. Hey, Donna Karan is New York based, that's all I'm sayin'. Once I start raking in my own dough, those workers at Sacs are gonna get to know me personally. But I just got a really good feeling, though, when I read that about Columbia, so I thought I'd mention it... even though when I told my mum she was just like, "oh, great. You know where that's gonna get you, right? You know how many people try in that field, and you know that whether you have talent doesn't mean you'll succeed." She seemed happier when I told her that I was gonna duel, though.

I found, wait for it, the perfect shampoo! Yes, yes I have! Daily Defense, who knew? My hair looks sooooo shiny and pretty... if only I could do something about the split ends. That would be nice... I got that along with some volumizing stuff, which is nice because my hair is getting longer, and heavier, and it's weighing down and lookin' kinda unhappy. But it's nice now!

Oh! I think that I get to go see Big Fish tomorrow! I'm excited! Oooh, Tim Burton's got some kinda talent. Whew. I'm sure I've mentioned that before, though.

Hmm, right now I feel really down on myself. Maybe it's this whole college thing. My dad says I have to apply for other colleges in New York, and I hafta start now since my SATs are coming up, whether I'm a junior or not. You have no idea how discouraging it is to see that what you want to do is offered at, about, 3 out of 50 some schools. I guess that's a good thing, since the SAT scores are sent out to three colleges of your choice, before you pay extra. By the way (Red Hot Chili Peppers!), does anybody here have any comprehension of the AP exams? I read in my local paper (in the Entertainment section whilst searching for movie news) that AP exams cost 80 bux to take. I'm sure that can't possibly be correct, especially since I didn't know about it when I signed up for an AP class. I had never heard about it from anyone before. Maybe the newspaper lied to me. Now, how is that not a surprise?

But, yeah, that still doesn't change the fact that I feel so depressed. Look at me, and I'm not even PMSing, I just feel terrible. I'm on the brink of laying down and crying for a few hours. That can't be done, because I hafta start (and finish, really) my English outline for 20th Century British Lit. See, it's this AP thing again. It's good that I'm taking all the English college credits I can, I'm gonna get it shoved down my throat in a year and a half's time.

And more with the college. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't want to think about college right now. Maybe tomorrow or in a few hours, but it doesn't feel like anyone thinks that I'll make it somewhere. Okay, right about now I could use a bit of a morale boost. Where are friends when I need them? Anybody got anything nice to say to me? I could really use a perk-up to stop crying right now. If I hadn't already today, I'd take a nice, long, hot shower with all the scented soaps I have. I'll dry out my skin and hair if I do it again.

I guess I'll have to go eat some warm soup and a sandwich and curl up in a blanket, do some self-assigned French homework (I have to stay teacher's pet), and complete an outline. I can look at it this way, the 20th Century British Period of literature includes my favourite author: Tolkien!

I'm so distraught, I just got a coldsore on my bottom lip. Doesn't it usually take awhile for those things to appear? Yeesh *shudders*, that's healthy.

Well, I'm gonna go feel bad about myself and worry about my future and the way others think of me in all my self-conciousness, and then I'll read a little "Oliver Twist" to have a good laugh.


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one thousand embraces

SILENCE, TRAITOR! - 2006-05-10
Irish History - 2006-05-02
Goodbye Bio! - 2006-05-01
DANCE, WATER! DANCE! - 2006-04-26
Gaaaaaah. - 2006-04-24

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