:: Youth & Eternity ::
If I had a nickel for every time a man's left me and came back a woman, I'd have a NICKEL!
[2004-03-19 @ 6:23 p.m.]

Finally! A week gone by and I haven't been able to type in here. I thought I was going to explode from all of the stuff I've been forced to do this week. And this title is from some show, and I'm pretty sure it was Charlie Sheen that said it. So now you know.

So, Saint Patrick's Day on Wednesday was okay. I started out the day by accidentally pouring the contents of an eyeshadow pot all over Mum's light carpet. Nice. Then I got to school and my friends all ditched me in the morning, and I felt very outcast. Like I usually do. I'll get to that in a minute. Then blahblahblah, it was boring. Always is. But I got to have soda bread, and some potato stew. I eat that kinda stuff a lot, but it was special because it was St. Patty's Day. I grew up in a predominately Irish family. You can tell that fact when you first glance at our front door. It's a green front door, with a brass claddagh knocker. And the claddagh is the two hands holding the crowned heart, symbolising eternal friendship and loyalty. Anyway, I hope everyone got their e-cards, and if I didn't send you one, then floggin' give me your email already and then I will! See, I have this trouble that when I click on the "email" link on diaryland pages, they never work, so if you like me and want me to like you, give me your email so I can send you love! And I won't stalk, I promise.

Oh. My. Gah. Eternal Sunshine is out! HUZZAH! I haven't even seen it, and I love it. I can tell you it's good, just the concept is good. And I don't think it looks anything like a comedy, so I don't know why they're playing it off to be so. I want to see how the dream sequences are handled... I want to see it n-o-w. I bet my dad sees it before I do. He gets to see movies all the time. I love movies, I really, really, reeeeeeeaaaaaaallllllyyyy love movies, and it makes me angry when I go a long time without seeing it. But Mum promised me I could go see it in theatres at least. So, I'm guaranteed that much! I won't get to see Hidalgo or Secret Window in theatres like I wanted to, because Mum doesn't want to. My brother does! Mum said that no movies look good to her... hmm, she said the same about Pirates of the Carribean, and then she saw it. And then she saw it. She saw it and loved it. And now she loves Johnny Depp! And who doesn't?

I've come to the realisation that no one must read this diary. I keep getting snide comments from friends and likewise that my entries are too long and too wordy and blahblahblah, and that they just do a page search for their name to see it I write about them, or they just skim for stuff. Well, I'm sorry that I've got a lot to say, maybe just from now on I won't say anything any more and everyone can leave me alone. Wait, how would that be different from any other day? Oh, yeah, it wouldn't be. I feel sooo left out of my cliches all of a sudden. My safe little niches of friends that at least pretend to like me are slowly tightening to exclude me. I mean, I'll talk to anyone anywhere (though, according to some that's a flaw of mine), but my friends talk to me less and less. And if they do talk to me, it's always about the same thing, those simple conversation topics, "So, uh, strange weather we're having." I can recognise that my tastes are changing, but why should that mean that where I used to have friends, I don't? Every morning before class, some friends and I walk around the school, talking and flaunting. Now those friends go to some other place in my overcrowded school, leaving me alone, doing homework in my empty ceramics room because I'm not important enough to wait for, or I'm just a hindrance in the conversation. Even Mum and Ben (my little brother) exclude me in conversation lately, laughing about some inside joke that's way over my head. So I constantly feel like an outsider everywhere that I used to have comfort. I guess that's because it's almost time for me to leave. Maybe it's all for the better, becoming less attatched to people so I can go away to college all the easier. I've only one more year of highschool, one more, and then I'm out. I'm done. I start something entirely new all by myself, and perhaps those lonely mornings in a dark ceramics room is just to get me on my feet, to get me used to being alone.

It's strange how a young person's security works-- in numbers. I can't go anywhere unless I'm with someone else that I've seen before. I won't be seen at the mall alone (if not for safety) for social reasons. I can't possibly walk around the school alone because heaven forbid someone think I don't have any friends! I guess that I'm subconciously seperating myself with respect to mentality from those that don't share many characteristics with me so I can prepare myself for a world that won't support me whether I have friends or no. Or maybe I'm just a loser and it's taken everyone this long to figure that much out. Whatever the case, I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me (heehee, Shrek makes me laugh).

OH! Guess what we're playing in Orchestra? PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN! YYYYEEEESSSSSS! We're also playing.... wait for it...... "May It Be" by Enya from Fellowship of the Ring (which was better than the Two Towers but not as good as Return of the King) AND I LOVE IT! I have the soundtrack and could play it by ear already, but now I've got the music for it! The sad thing is: I'm a cello, and cellos get no. melody. ever. It's harmony this, beat that. Shove it, composers. Get over the violins and pass the glory to the lower strings, please! I beg you! Show us mercy!

And I hate Physics. We're learning about forces, and it's sooooo hard. The teacher gave us a stack of worksheets before explaining anything to us, and I feel very behind. *tear* Remind me to avoid any engineering careers. I'd go flippin' bats and kill everyone if I had to do Physics as a living. Sigh. I'm just going to stick to a film major and soak up acting as much as possible. Sigh (again).

Now I feel very much depressed. I'm just going to go, being the rejectable loser that I am.


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one thousand embraces

SILENCE, TRAITOR! - 2006-05-10
Irish History - 2006-05-02
Goodbye Bio! - 2006-05-01
DANCE, WATER! DANCE! - 2006-04-26
Gaaaaaah. - 2006-04-24

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