:: Youth & Eternity ::
How can I resist those sad dilated pupils?
[2004-03-21 @ 2:46 p.m.]

Goodness, this weekend was exactly what I needed.

Feeling bogged down and a little left out really started to get to me. I've been feeling really bad for about a month, and my weekends have been so busy, going to competitions and friend's houses and such, that I haven't had the time to just think, think about exactly what I want in life. I'm just going to stop caring about what others want for me and just do stuff on my own from now on.

I felt really bad, if you read my last entry, because most of my friends have been leaving me lately, like I'm insignificant. Well, I've gotten that from everyone at some point or another, and it doesn't bother me anymore. But my mum and brother excluding me sorta bothers me still. It's really none too fun to feel like a leper in your own home. On top of that I merely mentioned to my mum that I really needed to get my hair cut soon, and she flipped out. You see, I've gone about two years without cutting my hair because I wanted to grow it out. The ends are split an inch high, and my hair is so heavy that it's literally falling out in clumps when I run my fingers through it. Mum accused me of brushing my hair and then pulling the hair off the brush and throwing it on her floor. Well, I brush my hair in front of her mirror, but what hair hits the floor is directly from my head. I'm serious, my hair is that heavy. I'm getting headaches from it and it's not even halfway down my back because it's so very thick. I've been crying over my hair because I look like Hermione Granger, and everyone else in my family gets their hair cut at least once a month. Then Mum screamed at me because I simply thought aloud, claiming that I didn't need to remind her what she needed to do. I wasn't, I just though that she'd forgotten, and I thought it aloud to just get it out there.

So I spent the weekend feeling very, very guilty and stupid and assanine, so I cleaned. Yup, I cleaned the living room and some of my brother's room without a whole lot of help from my brother. Mum's not so mad at me anymore, but I'm sure she still is. She kept asking me why I never talk when we were in the car going to the drug store. I don't talk in cars, I like to look outside the windows as we pass trees and grass and flowers and lakes. I like to watch the people on the sidewalks and in the vans beside us. I can't help it, I'm just strange.

But I'm feeling a little more determined in life. I'm determined to go on my own path. I don't care what career my dad thinks I should take, I'm going to start auditioning for plays next year at school. And when I get to college in a year, I'm cramming my schedule full of dramatic and film classes! I just realised that Columbia (the college I have to go to, it's an Ivy-League [that means it's one of the oldest, most revered colleges in the country])'s film department is directly linked to the New York University of Art. Now, you can think that my dreams are silly, but you won't be laughing three or four years from now when I win an Oscar. The New York University of Art has sooo many people that step right into movies before they graduate, and I've been told by a lot of people that I should become an actress. I think that I stand a good chance, and I don't care what anyone says. I think I said in an entry a long time ago, "Whether any of your dreams come true or not depends on how much you believe in your talents and abilities, not how much others do." I don't know when it was that I forgot that over the past fifty or so entries, but I did. Now I realise it all over again, I don't care if you think I can't make it anywhere. I know that I've got a passion for acting, and I've got a passion for film, and I don't care if I look like a loser to the teachers that ask me what I want to be, or the friends that inquire what I'm studying in college, I'm going to make it, and you're going to end up seeing me on Inside the Actor's Studio being interviewed by the pickled floating head of James Lipton, and you're going to wish that you were as brave as I was at the age of seventeen!

So there!

And, Sarah, I'm glad you like to read about the movies I wanna see, because I'm going to be rambling for a little bit. I. Have. To. See. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I have to see it sometime soon, or I will crack into a million tiny pieces and promptly implode. That's right. I don't care who it has in it, it looks like one of the most interesting movies I've ever drooled over the commercials for. I watch tv shows about movie trailers, too. Don't doubt me! Critics are hailing it, and I need to see it! I also really want to see the new Colin Farrel movie, Intermission. Another case of wanting to see a movie beyond the purpose of a hot actor! It's supposed to be like a Quentin Tarantino movie in the cinematography aspect (and I love to see Tarantino's originality), but it was the film-directing debut of theatre director John Crowley. I think that the almost home-made camera angles remind me most of Le Fils, a popular French film from last year. But the cast is entirely Irish, and the little bits of trailers that I've seen for it are funny and sad at the same time. It looks maddening! I have to see it! And any Andy Kauffman screenplay, I'm reffering back to Eternal Sunshine, is worth my time and money.

And to films I've just seen: today I watched Awakenings. I don't know what it is about Robin Williams, but all of his best performances are as a doctor. I loved this movie, it was soooo touching. But I like the characters more than the plot (well, I always have! That's why I like acting so much!), I was highly depressed at the end. And yesterday I watched Oliver Twist, the version with Elijah Wood as Artful Dodger. I've seen better screen adaptations of the book, and I'm a really, really big Dickens fan so I didn't really like the screenplay aspect of it at all, but I thought the Artful Dodger stole the show. I wouldn't have sat all the way through if it hadn't been for him. And that's not because he's my favourite actor (well, it is a little bit of the reason), but just because I think it's one of my favourite characters he's ever played. He was a little like Jack Sparrow almost, and who can't adore Jack Sparrow? *silence falls and cricket sounds in the distance* Yeah, that's what I thought!

I want a cool nickname like that, like "Artful Dodger" or "Flash Companion." Someone should make me one. My brother calls me Deedee, but that's not the same. And, for future reference, no one here may call me Deedee, or I will hurt you!

K, I have a question for everyone who's not an American. I don't know what it is, but accents outside of America are really cool. I, along with countless Americans, think that English and Australian and Canadian and Irish accents are so gorgeous that it's just deprecating to American culture. But this thing has been bothering me for the longest time: what do you all think of American accents? I don't happen to think that any kind of American accent is very pretty, not New York or Southern accents. But do any of you think so? Is it hard to mimick an American accent? I mimick foreign accents easily, and I love to, but I heard that American accents are the hardest to get down. And it's weird to even say that I have an accent, because I don't think that Americans really do have accents at all! I think that the way we talk is very monotonous and boring compared to foreign accents. So, please, inform me to better enrich my thought and belief!

And I really don't mind if you put down American accents at all, because I'll probably agree.

Alright, now that that's out of the way, I have a paper to finish typing and a Physics binder to organise, and The Good Son is on, and that movie always makes me smile. Macaulay Culkin scares the schiz outta me, but it still makes me smile!

And today's title is via Will & Grace. Der! Toodles!

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one thousand embraces

SILENCE, TRAITOR! - 2006-05-10
Irish History - 2006-05-02
Goodbye Bio! - 2006-05-01
DANCE, WATER! DANCE! - 2006-04-26
Gaaaaaah. - 2006-04-24

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