:: Youth & Eternity ::
Coming? Ok. Ok. I just--one thing I need to do first: everything else in my life.
[2004-03-29 @ 8:54 p.m.]

Gosh, I thought that if I didn't get to update this thing, I was gonna burst.

Well, I feel like I'm gonna burst anyway. This entire year thus far has completely been the worst one I've had for the past decade. All these competitions have been driving me up the wall with stress, and what's more, I've lost everyone. French competition: fourth place. Not quite trophy material. Art show on Saturday (go back an entry to see what I made): not a thing. But this, this is the straw that broke the camel's back (ooh, the poor camel, I feel its pain).

If you've been reading my diary, you know by now that I am (or... was) second chair cello in my orchestra class. It took me awhile to feel confident enough to own up to the title, but I feel like that's where I belong in comparison to the other players. It's not me being conceited, it's me being honest here. But fourth chair "challenged" me for my spot. I thought, "Well, she is really good, and doesn't deserve to be fourth chair, but I know I have an upper-hand because I am better. But I will practise." So practise I did. I practised and practised and practised, and I sound very good at it. I just do. But my teacher hates me. He's hated me for just about ever. This year has been the worst, he hates me now more than ever before, and he hasn't been afraid to let me know so. He can tell the distinct difference in the way we both played, and he, being the lousy *&@#!%% that he is, he gave it to her. I don't want to be mean, but that really gets me. I. KNOW. I'm. Better. Than. Her. I deserve that chair.

Now, what do I do? I can't just sit around scarfing down cupcakes all day like I've been doing. There's no Ben and Jerry's in my freezer. And my brother doesn't want to watch Edward Scissorhands (which I just got as a late birthday gift today... thanks again, Lliz!) or The Faculty (attending a highschool called HHS, seeing any teacher get an alien shoved into his brain makes me feel better, this case especially), I'm stuck finding a safer route. So, what do I do with the malice from orchestra? I challenge her back and win back my rightful chair. What do I do about art? I paint the Taj Mahal (that I've perfected on notebook paper a million times [believe you me] and could draw it again in three hours) and build a Tour Eiffel out of clay, and win the art show next year. What do I do about French? I kick some Private School butt with the toe of Public Schools everywhere! And why? Because I know I deserve second chair, I know that my artwork is good, and I know that I make the best French grades in my level. That's why.

In other news, Dad found out about my major. He wasn't supposed to know! But, apparently, the entire world knows because of my big fat mouth. So, now that everyone knows about my film major, I got a talking-to about morals and fall-back plans. Stuff like, "You'd better figure out now how far you're willing to go to get where you want to be." What if they want me to get surgery? What if the only way you can get an acting job is through a "couch audition"? You have to learn how to take criticism (I already have; their names: Ben, Jerry, Johnny and 'Lij... same rules for PMS, only add on Hershey's Milk Chocolate) and get back up and try again (that I'm working on). Then I got, "You're gonna be living from job to job." Good, that's what I want. It's a very romanticised life to me. And, "You're a good writer, you should consider just screenwriting." That ruins the point of wanting to act, dunnit? And part of a film major is screenwriting, I've been to the Columbia site a million tiems. "What's your fall-back plan?" Journalism. I can write, remember? "What'll you say to a surgery?" There are plenty of ugly people, look at Adrian Brody. And that girl from Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Dirty Dancing lost her career after her first nose job. But I got Dad's approval and Mum said she believes in me.

Good. So who's gonna start taking me to auditions around here?

Yeah, I saw no hands go up. Alright. I'm still very depressed. And Mum's business site got shut down. The company claimed she wasn't paying. She was. I ran the checks out to the mailbox. There was a big ordeal that left me waiting for her outside in the cold for 15 minutes outside the school this afternoon, trying not to cry. Cry because I deserve better. And I've still got, like, 5 problems of physics left, and I've been working on them all night. I've done... errr... 13? I think? I spent the entire class bell working on some of the same kinds of problems and only got a dozen done. There are an hour and thirty minutes of each class. That's kinda ridiculous, no?

Ahh. Back to the grind. The wear and tear of my frazzled nerves. And all I wanted to do was watch my new dvd. And guess what I rented and watched that was awesome, especially in the writing and cinematography? O Brother, Where Art Thou? It really was fantastic, you should see it. Toodles!

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one thousand embraces

SILENCE, TRAITOR! - 2006-05-10
Irish History - 2006-05-02
Goodbye Bio! - 2006-05-01
DANCE, WATER! DANCE! - 2006-04-26
Gaaaaaah. - 2006-04-24

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