I feel so pathetic. I feel sometimes like confidence is beyond confidence, like confidence is purely pride. Pride isn't good, and I don't want to be prideful, but I feel sometimes like I am. Sometimes I feel bad because I find myself admitting that I have a talent, and then I feel boastful, and I don't like it when others boast, so why should I? I felt that way after my final orchestra concert. I don't like orchestra anymore. Walking in that room is humiliating. Looking the teacher in the face is an outrage. Having to speak to that girl is a slap in the face and a kick in the stomach. I feel like the entire room is making fun of me, "Look at that loser." And then I feel bad and I have to tell someone about how good I actually am. Because I actually am a very good player. And I hate the fact that I was so prideful to be where I was, and I hate the fact that I let it make me feel dimished because of one loss. And I hate the fact that I hate orchestra. I really do hate hating. I can't help it anymore, either of the feelings, hating the hating or the hating itself, but it's driving me insane.
Besides that, I was practising my cello the other day (unlike some people ever do, apparently), and I was listening to the Pirates of the Carribean soundtrack. There's this absolutely gorgeous cello solo right at the beginning, and it's comprised of the same beats but not the same key as the Pirates version we played in class. So I sat down and figured out all of the notes in the right key and then I figured out the other parts of the solo I'd never played before, all in about five minutes. I was so excited! I kept playing it and playing it and playing it. I played it until my fingers turned violet, and the callous on my pinkie turned black. Gross, I know, but I'm accostomed to it. I guess.
And I got an A on my Physics test that if I didn't pass I would fail the quarter. How's that for wicked excellent? I know, thank you, thank you. It was like the world off Atlas' shoulders. Can I get an amen?!?
Frasier ends tonight. *sob* I've been watching Cheers since I can remember, and then Frasier, and now, after seventeen years full of Kelsey's infamous Frasier Crane, it's over. Over. *sob again* ...why me?...
And I'm so excited! There's a screenwriting competition in my area, and I'm so going to send in a script. It's pretty good, I guess, so far. At least, as far as my first real script goes. It's narrated, that's the only thing I'm worried about. Usually narration in a script is looked down upon unless done in a good manner. Oh, I hope it comes out okay! After the hurly burly's done and the battle is lost and won, I'll make sure to post it on here for your enjoyment. Or pain and misery and agony and torment (but it'll be 100-130 pages, so be prepared to read it... or portions of it... or none of it at all, your decision). I might not finish it in time... keep your fingers crossed, eh?
Speaking of "eh", I saw (ba-ba-ba suspenseful fanfare)... Mike Myers on Inside the Actor's Studio! HOORAY! He made me laugh, he made me cry, he made me want to be a better actress. He's flippin' hilarious! And very, very intelligent. And he made a good point (through the good point of a friend of his), that the only points that can be made are not through grandiloquence, but through enjoyable entertainment (whether it be drama or comedy). Some of the best statements are readable satyrs, not borish essays from well-rounded men of importance. For instance, "A Modest Proposal" by John Swift was written in Ireland during the potato famine. Swift proposed a solution to this problem: why not use the babies being born as food and cheap labour? After all, it will not only solve the lack of work and immense hunger issues, but it will decrease the huge population. You know as well as I that John Swift was not serious at all, that it was a pure satyr of not only the outlandish solutions that the government was making for the problem, but for the actual way that children at the time were treated, and was stated in plain English. But learnÚd people took him seriously, and banned him from the country. But people listened to him. People listen to art forms, they don't listen to politics. Schwartzenegger is Governator of California, for heaven's sake! We've had an actor as a president! People respond to music, respond to painting, respond to writing, and especially respond to film. And that's a fact that can't be argued! Hooray for art!
Here's a lovely thing, an online art gallery! For those of you who enjoy classic art. I haven't looked yet, but if he's there, you should check out Vermeer. Oh, and look for Monet. I also love Pollock, but I doubt you'll find him there. It's lovely, as long as you stay away from the religious paintings and the allegories. I don't like religious paintings (though I am religious), I hate them, quite frankly. I hate the way they're always so busy, I hate the colours, and I hate the way they depict people. Saint John never walked around with just a strategic blue cloth, and Jesus never walked the streets naked. I don't know who thought so, but they were terribly wrong, and I hate paintings like that. And everyone hates allegories, paintings, films, books. The line between allegories and symbols is thin, but some of those paintings jumped off into the deep end. "Oh, look, it's Venus and Cupid and hearts and a golden chariot and a white dove with blood on its beak and a twig in its foot and..." Kill me now, please. But I do utterly adore the portraits of regular people. I love seeing their clothes and hands and knick-knacks in the backround, but most of all I love their subtle expressions. After so long of sitting there, their faces have fallen to a dull, flat look, but you can always see a hint, a whisper, of their feelings in their eyes. Isn't it lovely?
Aren't I a loser?
Anything else while I'm here? Hmm... hmm... ducks have teeth and pidgeons are evil, at least at my local zoo. Just to forewarn you, if ever you go. And, uhh, erm... I execrate big words. Thank you, and goodnight.
Oh, and today's title is from Will & Grace. My next title is going to be funny, it'll be from a movie called Lost Skeleton of Cadavra. Yes, it's a real movie. I'll tell you about it next time. I promise.