:: Youth & Eternity ::
I'm going to say this because I love you. Your disproportionately large head gives you a marionette-like quality.
[2004-06-23 @ 2:35 p.m.]

I guess it's a good thing the end of The Awakening put me off at a disagreeable mood because everyone seems to be going through rough spots.

Yep. I finished the book I hated so much upon first reading it, two years ago. I guess I was two years too immature to really appreciate the feelings it presented, and simply thought the main character to be selfish and pretentious. Well, she still is, but I think that a lot of her feelings that she discovered I've already run by on my own, even being seventeen years old. Okay, so the book can be taken as a "sexual awakening", and I can't confess to that. But I can tell you that I believe it was more of a personal awakening than anything, and she just found out that her soul wasn't one meant for (and how do I put this so I don't seem so bad?)... being bound. I'm going to tell everyone right here, right now, that no matter what I do in my life, I will never be tied down but to God. No, I'm not becoming a nun, and no, that doesn't mean I won't ever get married or anything like that, but there's no way that I think that anyone will ever restrain my... soul, I guess. Anything I do will be of my own free will. However, this character killed herself at the end to be free, and I think that such a thing is horribly selfish and inconsiderate to her children and to, not her husband (she was dead to him anyway), but to the man she loved. And to herself, because her life could've gotten more free had she just lived with it. It was a bit cowardly.

But I tend to think suicide is anyway, as heartless as it sounds.

Heavy subject, eh? Well, at least I don't dwell on pretensions. I could try to explain to you all day how I feel, how just in the past year I've come to recognise the fact that everyone's got to act, in the end, for themselves and their beliefs regardless of others, but I don't think you'd ever get it. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm a terrible person sometimes because of it, but, I'll always think well of people, and I'll always praise others above myself, and I'd be willing to go so far as to sacrifice my life for those I love, but I think that even self-sacrifce is done not for the person you're protecting, but for your own love for them. Does that make sense? I just think that everyone should be a little selfish. And that's it!

Uhmm, other than that... I'm planning on watching The Others tonight. Yep, even with a haunted kitchen right in the next room. I swear, it's still haunted. Something bumped the cake box while I was licking my finger clean of any snuck chocolate icecream. The entire thing moved. 'Tis true! But I had a strange dream concerning a veiled thing, much like the one in said movie, that turned out to be the poodle belonging to Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie.

Lost? Sorry. *This will be the last topic of interest I discuss, you can skip it if you're not in the mood, 'cuz it's a straaange dream* I had a nightmare in which I was at a mental institution turned into a movie theatre that only played horror movies. I was in one of the theatre rooms, that was quite expansive, with the rest of my senior class (or at least the ones I've ever spoken to, and that's a few hundred) with some teacher chaperones. Everyone was talking and playing, and I was sorta excluded, since none of my real friends were present. Some girls I sorta know but don't care too much for were displaying their history projects, and doing a bit of extra work on them before we went back to school. But as I watched them, I saw that the projects they held were really a collection of real life school projects that I've done over the years, the one on George Bush from the eighth grade during the election, the one on photosynthesis in the seventh grade, even the lovely model I made of an Irish farm in the fourth grade, but all had my name barely erased and replaced with the holders' names, so I got severly upset. I started to complain, but no one heard me. The room went dark, and the barred windows (it was an institution) were curtained, and people were going silent. The preview for the movie started, and I decided that I really didn't want to see it. So I asked if I could go watch The Others across the hall, and the teacher let me only if five other people went with me to go see it. So, five people I really don't like got up and left the room, and I was so excited that someone cared enough to give up the dull looking movie for the one I wanted to see! But they turned around, laughing at my pain, and went to watch their movie. I went back in to see five minutes of the beginning (Ted Danson got a staple shot into his forehead by an angry clown), and thought it was ridiculous, so I snuck out.

I found a map of the place, and decided I didn't want to see The Others alone, so I found that in a different wing of the facility there was a group of theatres playing regular movies. So I walked around in the dark halls to find one labeled Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and walked in quite happily. I read that the movie was a half an hour shorter than the horror movie the class was watching, so I would be able to sneak back in and not be left behind. The movie had just started, and because the theatre was completely empty, there were robots seated in every seat, and stood up and clapped whenever something of significance happened (which makes complete sense, right?). So I had to sit against the wall of the balcony seats to watch and not be interrupted. I saw bits of the movie, but mainly saw myself watching it, and there's a part where the two main characters are on a bed waking up in strange places, and just then I felt something brush my arm beside me. I looked down, and in the blue light reflecting from the screen, I could see this small figure wrapped in a veil. I, with much trepidation, pulled back the veil to see a little dog, a white poodle that barked. I looked up to see two laughing skank-hole-ish girls (you guessed it! Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie), and I jokingly said, "You guys!" All of a sudden I could see myself, my teeth were whiter, my hair nicer, my clothes all Prada and Gucci and Dior, and my skin was tanned (I'm already tall and kinda skinny). And they laughed down at me, and all of a sudden over my dream I could hear this lame happy hippy music and the three of us went skipping down halls to find another wing, an extensive shopping mall! We grabbed bagfulls of stuff and I swear I was having the time of my life, sipping coffee, meeting all these famous people from Johnny Depp to Keanu Reeves, and finally the three of us and the poodle stopped by the room where my class was originally, and the music stopped, and I stepped inside after saying my goodbyes and the entire senior class was asleep. So I sat in my chair near the front, waking someone up beside me on accident, prompting the rest of the class to wake up, and no one talked to me or anything, even when they saw someone famous wave to me as we left.

I guess I can take it all to mean that no matter what I go through in life, the people I want to impress, or should be impressing anyway, will always be a little jealous and abusing.

And that's all there is, there isn't anymore.

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one thousand embraces

SILENCE, TRAITOR! - 2006-05-10
Irish History - 2006-05-02
Goodbye Bio! - 2006-05-01
DANCE, WATER! DANCE! - 2006-04-26
Gaaaaaah. - 2006-04-24

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