*Many people will not comprehend the biting sarcasm in the following entry. If you do not have a good sense of humour or an open mind, I suggest you turn back and read some other drivel. Thank you.*
Martha Stewart is the epitome of a housewife, and the housewife is everything I hate about womanhood. She can cook sweet treats for themed parties or just a romantic dinner, she is the McGyver of the decorating world, able to create a stunning table centerpiece out of bark, tic tacs, and Elmer's Glue, she can build cars, fly planes, leap over buildings in a single bound...
And now look at her. Five months in prison. And then comes the house arrest.
I don't care if it's more than what any normal person would have in her stead, in my opinion it's a fair punishment. If not for cheating money and then lying in the court of law, then for ruining every bit of improvement as I see it in the field of equality. True, she is a successful business woman, if not a shark! But she made money off of the exact thing that centuries of women have pushed away from, she made money off of the stereotypes that have been pushed down my throat until I want to strike out with the legions of others that already do. Martha Stewart has received her just reward, and I am appalled that people want to save her just to drown other women.
Joan Rivers is the kind of old woman every woman should be, the crazy pill-popping, gin-swilling old lady that swims in her eccentricies. She's over-the-top in every sense of the term, from her dress to her behaviour. And people hate her. Some claim to hate her because she's mean. Some claim to hate her because her face is tighter than Michael Jackson's. Some claim to hate her because she refuses to leave them alone on the red carpet just because they dressed up like the Riccola lady (a-hem, Uma?!?). But, in truth, they resent her because she is fighting the oppression. So what if she's bitter and hateful? We should all the the same way. She once said "If God intended me to bend over, he would put diamonds on the floor." That statement, in itself, symbolises female stereotypes, and in an irony in itself, it beats Martha Stewart and all of her croonies into the dust.
I remember watching Martha Stewart Living every morning, for lack of anything better to do. In one instance she held up and displayed a piece of fine china to her guest in intense pride. She began a gruesome tale of how she went about obtaining the possession, and I couldn't turn away (and neither could the bewildered guest!). She went to a pawn shop one day (I know the vision of the great and lofty Stewart in a pawn shop is too much to swallow, but bear with me) and found a set of china quite to her liking, but the salesman said that he was holding it for an impoverished family. He told her that the set was their only valuable thing of familial significance, as it was left to them by a dying relative, and the family had run across hard times and sold the piece, intending to retrieve it again when the money returned. Martha disregarded the story, and forcibly bought the china. She received dozens of letters pleading her for the china from the family, and laughed about them on camera, finishing the story with a taunt something like, "Too bad, so sad. The plates are mine now." This is the behaviour I see in all sorts of housewives I meet through the rare minglings of my parents, the soccer moms, the navy wives, all good and happy on the outside, but evil on the inside. Much like those nasty Nutter Butters, with the tasty crackers on the outside, but the gross crumbly fake peanut butter on the inside. Really, why couldn't the "peanut butter" of Nutter Butters taste more like the "peanut butter" in Reese's Cups?
Because of Martha Stewart.
Indeed, every time I see her on television, on the Today Show or Good Morning America, from her do-gooding early years to her jail-bait days of today, she appears wound so tightly that she could snap at any moment. Always under her fake smile and behind the just recently noticible coffee-stained teeth (her appearance has gone to the dogs lately) is a ticking bomb, ready to explode in anxiety. Heaven help Katie Couric if she were to cough during the segment, the wrath of Martha would rain down upon her! The wrath of a million years of degrading the face of every woman into the hard, cold ground.
Martha Stewart is the face of evil.
Thank you, and goodnight.
SILENCE, TRAITOR! - 2006-05-10
Irish History - 2006-05-02
Goodbye Bio! - 2006-05-01
DANCE, WATER! DANCE! - 2006-04-26
Gaaaaaah. - 2006-04-24