:: Youth & Eternity ::
Oh, yeah, he's charming. Like finding a band-aid in your burrito is charming.
[2004-09-04 @ 9:09 p.m.]

Oh. I'm so ti...r....e.....d. You've no idea. I got to go shopping! Oh! So much has happened that I just HAVE to tell you about! Okay, I'm not so tired anymore!

I got to go shoe shopping a week ago. I got one black pair with square toes (very The Village) and a red pair of penny-loafers (very vintage... but anti-Village), and a big red Grace Adler-ish purse in a very geometric design, if I may say so myself. My brother got a pair of sandals and tennis shoes. Anyway! Today I went clothes shopping at NY&Co, the last cool store in the nearest mall. I got a pair of jeans that... actually fit me! My butt doesn't look like J.Lo (I know that's the cool thing now, but I hate my butt), and it reaches my ankles *gasp*. Being 6'1", it's not easy to find that. And I got an asymmetric pinstriped skirt, a black with white tubing Kill Bill-ish shirt, an argyle (you heard right, Argyle) sweater, a black ties-in-the-front sweater, and a white tanktop for all purposes. YAY! Okay, that's the fun stuff.

So yesterday I had to wake up early to go to the doctor to get a prescription for my acid reflux. I've had it since I was a kid, but in the past month, it's gotten so bad that I drink a quart of milk in two days, on my own. I skip entire meals and just drink milk instead. I love milk, but for heaven's sake. And it was keeping me up at night, too, burning all the way up into my mouth, and my hole chest would be on fire. So, they made me wear the paper shirt, which was a little small for my long torso, and I had to lie down on the table, at which point I sharply discovered that I was a lot bigger than the table, as I smashed the back of my head against the wall. Fun. He gave me a prescription for Prevacid, and then my mum asked him what to look for for Thyroid. She said I have crunchy hair at the roots and in back, my fingernails have thick ridges, and my (skip the next word if you're a boy) periods (*giggle*) are really bad. Like, in the bathroom every five minutes bad. So, he said that I should just go to the hospital right then, and they sent me off! Luckily for me, the hospital is right next door! So we went in, and they wouldn't take our New York insurance (in Virginia? Hoodathunk?), so I went to a place called Labcorps. It was in a strip-mall behind Hooters. That was... different. But they were nice. And they barely strapped me in to get my blood drawn. Yeah, I was pretty scared, because I hadn't had tests done in nearly a decade. I was in tears when the nurse walked in, but when she stuck the needle in, I was like, What? This is it? Well, I should have known better. There was a five year old just walking out with a very dry face. So, in a week I find out whether or not I get to go on medication to clear up my girl problems. It would be nice to not have to worry 'bout it anymore.

What else? Oh! I bought The Passion on dvd. Ah! I do adore that movie. I sob like a baby. It makes me so mad, and so sad, and so happy all at the same time. What really gets to me is, and I don't want to sound blasphemous or atheist, I wouldn't want to live in Jesus's time. To tell you the truth, I don't think I would have believed in Him then. I know it sounds horrible, but imagine it, you've been raised to the strict Judaism He'd been raised by, He was the kid next door! He had a brother and a mother and a father, how would you think He was divine? He was a carpenter, you ate off His tables, you'd never think Him to be the flesh of God. It's just like the original colonies, I really do think, despite all of the glorification I hear from teachers and history books of the Boston Tea Party and all that, I really do think I side with the British. America was founded by them, and they had the right to tax us all they wanted. They had representation! They founded us! I think some of the riots were terrible, tarring and feathering Torries just because they don't bite the hands that feed them. I would have been tarred and feathered myself. But you know, it was for the better now. Now I live in the best country in the world, and I couldn't be more grateful for those colonists. Just like I'm grateful to live nowadays where Christianity has been taught to me, where I accept Jesus and his teachings.

This is what gets me most, it's that I don't think I would have believed Him if He had healed a blind man in front of me. I would have very easily believed in Him if I had seen Him die for me. I've never witnessed a live miracle. My mum's seen legs regrow in seconds before her eyes, but the closest to a miracle to me are tiny things. Like the money to buy a new fence, or not getting side-swiped by a speeding 16-wheeler (that nearly happened once). I've never seen anything that couldn't be explained that supports my religion, never at all. But I think that all I should ever need is the fact that somebody died a horrible death so that I could be free of sin and strife. And that really makes me want to be a better person. And it makes blood tests look a whole lot easier.

And I think that people like me, people who believe in God without a reason but blind faith, have to be stronger than people who witness a lot of miracles. Because I see children in Russia being massacred by extremists after being trapped in their schools, walking out to their parents missing legs, or covered in burns. Those people can't afford help, they can barely afford their food. People dying of cancer, babies killed by parents... even just my brother contracting diabetes. It almost makes me wonder, why would God let that happen? Especially since I've never seen any proof that He exists. But I still believe in Him. And that's why I want to grow up to be an actress, and a filmmaker. Do you realise how much money those people make? Cameron Diaz makes 13 million a year. Oprah owns 9 estates. What could anyone possibly do with that? That money could be buying children in Russia medical help for their bullet wounds, for heaven's sake. And look at The Passion! I think that if I could be an actual good example of a human being (unlike Lindsay Lohan, or Keira Knightley), a strong woman in the spotlight, if I could be decently intelligent, if I could keep my record clean, if I lived modestly and gave my money to help people instead of myself, maybe I could make others do the same. See, that's the only thing I like about Angelina Jolie, she helps Cambodian children. That's really cool. Of course, I'm sure there's more that she can do, and she is a little insane, but that's the kind of thing I'd like to do. And if it's what I really want to do, then I'm sure God will get me there.

So, yep, that's everything I just had to tell you about. And happy birthday Kelly! Seventeen! It's like a magazine or something, isn't it? A nice little ring to it.

Oh, and the title is from Will & Grace. Will said it about Grace's boyfriend who was played by Woody Harrelson. To tell yah the truth, Woody Harrelson creeps me out.

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one thousand embraces

SILENCE, TRAITOR! - 2006-05-10
Irish History - 2006-05-02
Goodbye Bio! - 2006-05-01
DANCE, WATER! DANCE! - 2006-04-26
Gaaaaaah. - 2006-04-24

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