:: Youth & Eternity ::
[2004-11-03 @ 5:15 p.m.]

I'm really just tired of it. I'm tired of everything. I mean, actually, physically tired of life.

First off, Sarah, love you, dear, but there are more important things than the dealth penalty riding on this election. I personally don't care to die when I move to NY because Kerry wins office (which, thankfully, he won't). Osama Bin Laden wanted Kerry to get office. I think right now to be that idealogical is harmful to American society. I also think that abortion and the death penalty are two different things because an unborn baby hasn't killed anyone before, and might not in its life, but if a muderderer is given life in prison (as I've just established that he's a menace to society), there will be no more room in prisons for everyone. It's a fact that the death penalty doesn't slow the crime rates significantly, but it still may prevent more murders than otherwise, and I can't force the family members of a murder victim to accept the fact that if Jesus can forgive his enemies, so can they. Yes, there is a moral issue there, but there's just as much a moral issue in the eye for an eye deal, and there is no unrefutable scientific evidence that abortion isn't murder. To compare the two just really isn't fair, and to be sure, if someone killed my mother, I'd want to see them burn. And before that settles and you get so angry at me you type a long, nasty note and never speak to me again and take me off your friend list, thanks for the e-card to my mum! She really needed it, and for more reasons than just her shoulder, and I'm just about to say why!

Now, I'll talk more about the election (which I'm very, verrry happy about) later, but I've been just... distraught about something that if I don't talk about it, I'll have more public outbursts in school. I haven't cried in school... ever. Well, until now.

My dad came home this weekend. He was supposed to come home Friday to see me off to my Senior Homecoming, but said he had "work to do", so he came Saturday night so he could go to Busch Gardens for Halloween with us. Basically, so he could go to Busch Gardens. Well, yeah. My mum hadn't been talking to him for about a week, because she had confided in him about something very important to her, and when she asked him to repeat it, he couldn't. My mum can only talk to him via phone, so what other way can she let him know that she's upset than not even do that? Well, my dad drove us to Busch Gardens the next afternoon for one of the most uncomfortable car-rides I've ever experienced.

He told my mum that he doesn't want this situation to end. He wants her and my brother to stay in Virginia, in the same house, and he'd continue to support them and pay for whatever they need including visits with me in college, which, by the way, he doesn't even want me at Columbia (haha, like that'll happen... if I get accepted, I'm going. End of story.). He said that he also wants to keep visiting us like we're a happy family every now and then, but he even specifically said that he doesn't care whether or not he sees my little brother's first date, or my prom, because he doesn't want a family, just the support one provides. When my mum asked him in private what he's going to do if another woman wants support, he laughed and said that won't ever happen.

So, basically, in a nut shell, he wants no one in New York to know that he's still married. He also wants to keep up his female company in a life of disgusting sin. He's hired prostitutes, had internet companions, and has dated so many times during his marriage to my mum that it astounds me that he hasn't yet died from AIDs. I've known it since I was old enough to understand, but I still hoped that maybe it wasn't true... you know? And he wants to keep it up. He doesn't even want to try to fix it, though my mum just wants us to be a happy family. And he wants to keep visiting us, and it makes me sick, because he's got to have diseases right now. I think he might even have herpes in his eye, because he has to wear glasses and use special eyedrops now. And he never washes his hands when he comes out of the bathroom, but wipes them on handtowels, and he uses our toothbrushes and drinks out of our cups and sets them back half-full. So, not only is he willing to sacrifice his own life (and soul for that matter), but the lives of my brother, mother, and I. Is it not enough that he's the reason my brother's diabetes was triggered?

So, basically, I really need some TLC. I've only talked to two other people, besides my mum, of course, about all this. And after my dad told my mum all that, he acted normally... joking, laughing, picking on us. He didn't even cry. I wasn't going to be the first one to break down, and I wasn't going to be the one to lead my mum to it, either. So, until he left this morning, the only place I could even let my nose get red about it was at school. I can't even pay attention in class. It's disturbing! My dad doesn't love me, but that doesn't bother me nearly as much as his lack of love and respect for my brother and my mother, both of whom he's made physically ill and hitherto mentally submissive. I've never hated people, but if I did, they would include John Kerry, that guy that cursed me out at lunch (I'll get to that too, when I talk about politics), and my dad. Because I'm tired of seeing my mum have to go through this. And she will go through it until she doesn't have to anymore, but I'm not saying when that'll be. I know, but I won't say.

So, I'm sorry to everyone that I've snapped at at school (Kelly). No you know why. BUT! I'm still mad at you because you continually supported Kerry, rubbed it around in my face, and could never once, not once support him in my eyes. Why do you allow yourself to be brainwashed? I don't care if you're Republican or not, I just want to hear you stand up for your beliefs, if you have any! So, I'm still huffed about that, but I'm sorry for yelling at you a couple of times on Monday!

Now, on for politics. I don't care if you're foreign or American, Kerry supporter or not, read this! George Bush won. Yes, George Bush won, and he deserves the Presidency. I can tell from the personalities of the majority of Kerry supporters that I've met (and I realise that this isn't everyone), that if Kerry were to get office, the world would be a bad place for it. Yesterday, I got to help my mum vote, since her arm was in a sling. With permission from the workers, I slid the ballot in for her, and explained the proposed VA Constitution Amendments so she could decide whether or not she liked them, then I got to pull it out after she stabbed the ballot to death with the pointer (we didn't want any pregnant chads, did we?), and then I even got three mini-fliers from party officials outside. Two for Republicans, and one from a Right-Wing third party, The Constitution Party, and then I got a George Dubya Bush/ Dick Cheney bumper-sticker, and I was so proud of these things, I put the fliers on my AP Government binder, and the bumper sticker on my Chemistry binder that I put the Randy Forbes advertisement on the front of. So, at lunch today I brought my chem binder to finish up a lab that I had started that morning (the crucible that my group burned the magnesium in cracked down the middle, and about half our magnesium oxide came out, so our experiment was ruined! Half the answers on my lab were "Mass was negative, no answer."), and I set it down, and this one guy (one of those guys that thinks it's cool to cut himself and brag about it the next day, and curse at the top of his lungs for no reason) saw it and literally started throwing around four-letter words loud enough for the entirety of the courtyard to hear about how George Bush ran from War and blah blah blah, and I got angry at first and countered it with, "He's led our country through a very important war, and I think that he's a great man. And at least I don't need the help of select four-letter words to make my point." At which point, I got blasted so badly, called so many terrible names, that I just got up from the table and sat with *nice* Kerry supporters that I barely know. And no one stood up for me. I didn't stand-up for me, because I knew the best attack on him would be to let it sink into the other members of that lunch just how *stupid* he really sounded. And all they did was sit there, in awe, utter awe, of his ignorance, because I barely ever speak about anything like that at lunch (basically because I don't like that guy and I'd rather not be there), and the one thing I say was attacked with a stream of hideousness. And one girl tried once to say, "Don't talk that way about Amanda," but was cut off when he called me a b****. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow for lunch... I just don't know... I might just eat lunch in Orchestra and then go to the library and read. And pay that fine I owe. I think Middlemarch is technically mine, now.

Well, anyway, back to politics. Right now I feel safe. I'm moving to NY, and there's no way I want to be in a country with a man who terrorists recommend as my president. In my opinion, the war in Iraq is necessary. And even more importantly, if Kerry had been elected President, it's like calling all those lives lost during 9/11 pointless. That's what made me most upset, Sarah, that you made comments about Bush. You don't know what it was like on that day for us, and I hope you never have to know. I mean, it wasn't even like Pearl Harbor, it was worse, it was just for no reason but out of pure hatred. So for you, even being as intelligent as you are, to comment on American politics seems unfair to me, because there's a lot more to it than just one stand, especially something so little as the death penalty. I don't want to pay taxes for murderers to live in prison and get a free college education when I'm worried about whether or not my father loves me enough, or at least the idea of me enough to keep the job I need him to so I can have a future. I don't want people guilty of a deadly sin to have a better chance, even in prison, than I can. That's not fair.

Nor would I ever willingly be associated now with the Democratic Party. When I get to New York, I want to register Republican (so that number will rise from 2 to 3 whole Republicans in the state of NY!), and volunteer for the party to run polls or hand-out fliers for every election (from local Congress to Presidency) available. I'll make the calls, I'll wear the shirts, I'll put the posters on the walls of my college dorm. I'm not letting go of my ideals that are so well embodied in one party.

And to my next point. My father was watching the news and complaining about Kerry. "He's a traitor, he shouldn't even be allowed to run for office." My mum asked him what he thought constituted a traitor. "Well, he came home and he lied, and he cheated, and he caused punishment for innocent people, and he shouldn't have a second chance." It's strange how well he articulated himself, isn't it?

In short, the difference between myself and Liberals is that they believe in second chances. I agree with Donald Trump, that once a person disrespects you, he will disrespect you again no matter what. Because not everyone is created equal, and there are bad people in the world. And those people deserve to be punished because innocent people will be harmed on their behalf and yet gone unheeded, whether it be the thousands of people that died when those two planes crashed into the Twin Towers, or when my brother developed diabetes because my dad is too selfish to realise that we deserve better. And I see George Bush who, as part of his acceptance speech, first thanks his wife, and his two daughters, and I wish more people were like him.

And there are a million other, less emotionally driven, arguments for Bush, just look in any other entry I have. I hope I've defeated the stereotypical look on Republicanism to you... though I have been told I dress like I own a few businesses of my own (I do prefer a more conservative style-- not the skanky stuff).

Remember, Kerry's an anti-Semite, and Jonathan Menefee kicks puppies. Bush deserves Presidency, and Randy Forbes deserves the House seat in my area.

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one thousand embraces

SILENCE, TRAITOR! - 2006-05-10
Irish History - 2006-05-02
Goodbye Bio! - 2006-05-01
DANCE, WATER! DANCE! - 2006-04-26
Gaaaaaah. - 2006-04-24

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