:: Youth & Eternity ::
What are you doing home? Shouldn't you be at work? Or wearing pants?
[2004-11-18 @ 7:24 p.m.]

Gosh, life is so depressing. And I wondered today what keeps me from becoming actually depressed. I mean, I'm very cheerful most of the time, except for when I get really upset. But I'm never really, really sad, usually my alternative emotion is anger. I don't think that's a good thing, but I don't revert to a hostile anger very often. Only when I've got good reason (like someone telling me that the Bible is wrong). But, anyway, I don't handle bad news like others, I've noticed. I know kids that could have nothing wrong but poor grades, and they revert to cutting. I guess I'm lucky that I've never had to even think like that, that I have other means of taking out my aggressions, like painting or playing music. And most of my friends say that I'm just so nice, and always happy. No matter how bad life gets, I'm always happy. I'm angry inside, and sometimes very upset, but I'm still happy around others, because others need my happiness.

Well, that actually contrasted my point. That could be worse that being openly emotional, I suppose, retaining it all. That's what gave my brother diabetes, when my dad did this to us last time. My brother was the only one besides my mum in the room-- he was only nine, and it was right before Halloween. And my father had been caught in a lie, again, had been spending what little money we had then on prostitutes, and while I was out of the room, he told my mother that he didn't want to be a husband, and my brother that he didn't want to be a father. And he went off. I hear that it was a malevolent disscussion, too, that he had yelled and made it their fault, my fault too. Not too long afterwards my brother was hospitalized for a week, and his doctor said to my father, "You realise that this was of your doing! You gave your son diabetes!"

This time I was in the car, and I heard it. And he made it our fault, not his. He wants to live a "normal" life. What's so normal about what he's done to us? So, my mum contacted an attorney. Yep, she was going to divorce him, and he didn't know. But the day the court-order was served, she learned that he might have partial-custody of my brother. I came home that day, excited because I had a perfect average in AP English, and as soon as I opened the door, I was greeted by a blood-curdling pleading. My brother was on his hands-and-knees, begging my mother to drop the suit. He was terrified for his life, because he doesn't want to be alone in a room with my dad. Does he realise what he's done to my brother? Does he not understand what he's instilled in him? I couldn't believe it when my mum dropped suit. I wanted so badly to never see my dad again on the holidays, or that every-two-month visit, I cried so openly I couldn't control myself. But not in front of my mum, I only cried for a couple of minutes. And then I reapplied my makeup so I wouldn't look distraught. I felt like I don't want to cry or anything in front of her, but she's seen a counselour about it, so now she's better. And I feel like I don't have to be so upset about it anymore.

But now we're stuck again. He's got a "serious" girlfriend, and probably whoever he meets at a bar. And I keep hearing speeches about who I should marry if ever I do. Firstly: with the way my father treats me, I wouldn't be surprised if that never happened at all. Secondly: who'd marry me? Better stated, who'd meet my expectations (just so I don't sound too self-concious, because it truly doesn't bother me)? Well, there you go.

Now I sound silly because I keep saying the same things over and over. Well, I had never mentioned the divorce in an entry before, because I was afraid my dad had a link to my diary. He probably does, but I don't really care. He already knows that there's nothing he can do to earn back the love a father normally has from me, because I honestly don't like my father. I know the Bible says to respect your parents, but it also says they must first earn your respect. When my father threatens to beat me, I don't think that earns a whole lot of respect. I think the Lord will be reckoning with him soon, I really do.

Speaking of the Almighty, I'm gonna get myself a Christmas layout this year, and I wanted something religiously-oriented. So, anything involving the birth of Christ would be delicious. This weekend I need to start on all of my autre college applications, UVa (minute chance of making it in, I'm sure), William and Mary (which I'm thinking of switching to the American University in Paris, though I doubt my mum will go for that), New York University (GO NYU! It's really my second choice, next to Columbia... gooo Lions!), and I don't know where else. Who would accept lil' ol' me? If you've got any ideas, my GPA is a 3.9, and my SAT scores are 1270. Not wonderful, but good enough, so, if you've got any suggestions for colleges on the East Coast (or the West, I'm open to suggestions), go ahead and inform me.

I don't want to sound desperate. But I am. So, please.

No, really, please.

I'm looking forward in joy (verbal irony, anyone?) to the Writing SAT on the fourth. Of decembre. Does anyone at all know how to take a Writing SAT? Do they just give you a topic and let you write about it? Or what? What are the topics? Are they, like, topics about science, sports, books we've read, or life-advice? Are they those stupid standardized test questions like, "If you could make any law, what would you make, and why?" I made a law banning Martha Stewart from my country. Can we write funny essays? Can I make fun of Donald Trump's hair or Orlando Bloom's "acting" techniques? Or do they have to be serious and stuffy, with only Shakespeare and Dickens allusions? I can do either one, really! I love making fun of celebrities, and I love Shakespeare and Dickens! Where the bee sucks, there suck I!

Sorry, that's my favourite Tempest quote. Of course, there's also the ever-popular "We are such stuff as dreams are made on..." (spoken by Prospero, the bee one was Ariel). But, eh, who cares if life is just a pageant faded? I'm much more interested in bee sucking.

Wait... what?

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one thousand embraces

SILENCE, TRAITOR! - 2006-05-10
Irish History - 2006-05-02
Goodbye Bio! - 2006-05-01
DANCE, WATER! DANCE! - 2006-04-26
Gaaaaaah. - 2006-04-24

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