:: Youth & Eternity ::
Ah! I've got nature, there's nature on my hand! Wipe! Wipe!
[2005-02-06 @ 2:36 p.m.]

Argh! I haven't updated since forever! Forgive me, folks, it's been a trying week. Luckily it's almost over, huh?

I had the stomach flu and a lot of subsequent make-up homework (and I only missed one day!). I've been cleaning and scrubbing and primping (not pimping) my room. And then taking out my paint supplies and poster board (because I save my cavases for special purposes) and making the room a mess again! I have so much stuff. It's not that I don't remember everything I have and that it falls into misuse, but I grow really attatched to certain things and don't know how to get rid of them, even though I'll never use them again. I have a stuffed animal collection that's enormous, and two doll houses, one that's as big as my brother. But everytime I look at them, I remember sitting up and playing with my Barbies as soon as I came home after a day of ridicule from my peers. I mean, kids really picked on me. My dad really picked on me. The only self-confidence I have is around the people who've always liked me, otherwise I'm so utterly self-concious that I want to cry if someone looks at me for too long. But at least my mum's given me the ability to be a better judge of people, so my lack of self-confidence can't be used by others. Now I just have to trust God that I can channel that conciousness to become a more positive energy like my mum than a negative one like my dad.

You know, I find it really strange that people talk about taking time to themselves to "find" themselves. I think it's kind of ridiculous, actually. I think that it's other people who shape a person, and thus a person can only see who he is around other people. You see, the narcissists and people who suffer from personality-disorder, extreme self-loving cases of OCD, all of these people had bad childhoods, and they constantly inflict that childhood onto the ones that they love. My dad is a narcissist, I think, and his father was exactly like he is now. My dad (I want to call him "Leo", but I'm afraid you won't know who I'm talking about) has to relive his childhood pain from fatherly rejection over and over, and thus makes his family suffer it, and draws from our pain pleasure to cover up his hidden insecurities. In public he wants attention, and so if I were to pick on him jokingly in public (with something like, "I'm lucky to be alive with the way you drive"), he'll laugh because it's attention (I could even say it rudely, and he'd laugh). But if I were to say that in private, just around the rest of the family, he'd hit me, because it's a blow to his ego (thank you, Freud, for that term). He draws on one source of pain (my mum), and hates his children because they're competition for this source.

Anyway, my, what a tangent! What I mean to say is, even though I find I act differently around different people, they're all variations of my one self (not that I have multiple personalities, I just mean I adapt myself to meet another person's needs). Thus, through any discussions, whether malevolent or kindly, one finds oneself. I think it's just stupid when a teenager (especially an adult) says, "I need to find myself." You'll never find yourself without other people. Sometimes you'll find that you don't like that person, either. My theory to this is, if you have had a bad childhood and you recognise the pain you cause to people in adulthood and don't like it: GROW OUT OF IT. My dad recognises what he does, he even admitted it to me, "Mandy, I hurt people the closest to me because that's what my dad did. I'm only nice to outsiders, but to you I'm mean. But it's not my fault." Yes, it is. YOU recognise that YOU have a problem. YOU can't change what YOUR dad did to YOU, but only YOU can change what YOU do to me. It's his fault because he knows that he can get help, and my theory is that no matter what your childhood is like, when you become an adult, change it.

I also happen to think that a person's relationship with God perfectly defines him. That was the second, and last thing, I wanted to discuss! I know that one should never bring religion into politics, but I'm going to tell you why you should. Anyone who reads this diary knows that I know a lot about Government, lobbies, PACS, court systems, blah blah blah. I talk about Conservatism costantly outside of the terms of religion, and if you're a politician, that's the thing to do. But! If you're a voter, there's no reason why you can't choose along religion lines. The first problem with this statement is: if a person votes along religious lines, he is conflicting with another's religion. No, he's not, because the political leader he's electing has to find another reason for his beliefs than religion, thus religion isn't forced onto others. Also, if everybody else makes selections based on religion, then they're doing the same thing.

Now, here's another reason: their beliefs match yours. If you're Protestant, you're most likely against abortion, and, hey, look! So is George Bush! George Bush has a reason outside of religion, though (hopefully). So, if you have no idea what a candidate for a local election stands for other than his or her political affiliation, you're pretty safe picking along affiliation lines (same goes for partisan voting). I'm not recommending you don't inform yourself (as a matter of fact, I'd prefer the opposite), but I'm saying that religion is a safe-bet on personal beliefs (the obvious foil to this plan: John Kerry... even the Catholic Church denounced him).

Lastly: He follows your God. And that way you know he's blessed no matter what.

Now, I personally trust the stock market over the American Government for social security, I prefer privatised health care to socialised health care, and don't like the idea of doing away with Congressional seniority and imposing term-limits. I think that the Government gets a bad reputation that it doesn't deserve from a highly biased media (no thanks to Nixon) and that the public should inform itself against it, because the system isn't faulted: the people are. I believe that if voters don't like who represents them the two or four or six years that person holds office, then the voters need to find out why and vote them out of office instead of complaining (that one goes out to my lazy father who didn't vote on Voting Day even though Kerry is a "traitor" [nevermind the fact that my father quit the Navy and went to Captain's Mast for trial for being a traitor to the country, and has pretty much disrespected his own family in every way possible], even though he's a card-carrying Republican) (I think they should revoke his membership) (I also think he's pretending to be Republican around us, but agrees with his New York, uh, buddies about Kerry... he was even supporting him at the beginning of the election... can I write to the GOP and tell them that my dad's a flip-flopper?). But, those are all things that a lot of people don't understand. So, if you're Jewish, vote for someone Jewish; if you're Catholic, don't vote for John Kerry's reelection into the Senate because he was disrespectful to Condeleeza Rice (what a sore loser!); if you're Christian, vote for G-Dub.

But, please, inform yourself first. ...I had all of that worded a lot better in my head... I sounded really dumb, politically speaking... that's why I'll never go into politics.

**Keep your fingers crossed that Jamie Foxx gets an Oscar, he's so funny!**

**The title is from Monk! Yay! Tony Shaloub won a SAG last night! Did you see Johnny Depp? I'm so jealous... he's so cool... I want his career... And I hate Desperate Housewives. I really, really do. You know, I watched it for about five minutes last night, and couldn't stand it. Oh! And Mel Gibson was at the SAGs! I want to be just like him, too! Oh! And I really liked Charlize Theron's dress [like usual], except for the fuzzy things on the back that looked kinda like she needed to shave when she lifted up her arms... Charlize Theron is cool, too. I'm a nerd, I know.**

**Sorry it's so long... I just haven't typed in a while...**

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

one thousand embraces

SILENCE, TRAITOR! - 2006-05-10
Irish History - 2006-05-02
Goodbye Bio! - 2006-05-01
DANCE, WATER! DANCE! - 2006-04-26
Gaaaaaah. - 2006-04-24

Layout was made by Emerald Ice for use at Frozen Ice.
Image credit goes to Squaresoft.