:: Youth & Eternity ::
My cobbler's done!
[2004-06-18 @ 3:06 p.m.]

Life makes me sad sometimes.

I got back my report card grades. They weren't bad, but they weren't the best. My GPA raised to 3.93, almost perfect. Next year I plan on getting straight A's through everything, what with no math classes left. Then I won't have to take any exams and my GPA will be so high that any college will beg to have me for a student. I have narrowed down my college search, though. Everyone's telling me that UCLA is the place to be, and Columbia is wonderful. Either way, I'm in a large city. Just one is Hollywood, the other, New York. Both have snobby people, but there's just a difference in mentalities. In Hollywood people pretend to like you. In New York, they haven't the time to like you. I personally don't care. I pretend to like people all the time. And I'd love to be always busy. Either way I go, I think I'll be happy, you know what I'm saying? Well, maybe not so much happy as started. Started is the word.

Uhh, family issues are heavy right now. My dad's throwing money out the window. I got really upset because he told me that he saw Kill Bill 2, and it's still out in theatres. That means he goes out to movies every week, and he rents 2 to 3 movies every week on top of that. He said I shouldn't go out to movies, that I should study instead. Yeah, what the heck kinda argument is that? I make perfectly fine grades sitting around on my butt all day watching Will and Grace re-runs every day. I could be out watching movies too. He said he never told us because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Maybe if he weren't doing it in the first place, no one's feelings would get hurt. But that would mean he'd be considerate, and that would mean I wouldn't be in Virginia, I'd be in New York already. And I wouldn't be worrying about college, I'd be packing my backpack full of Columbia books. But such isn't the case.

I can complain all I want about my problems, but I'm still very lucky. And I can't help but take it forgranted. I should thank God that I'm even in a highschool, some people aren't as lucky, even if I have bad teachers, even if I do fail the occasional test. I should thank God my father makes any money at all. I should thank God I've got a loving mother and brother. But instead I'm complaining because my grades weren't all that great. My grade-point average is nearly perfect, but my grades were slightly off more than usual.

*sigh* I think I should just stop complaining all together and start finding the good in situations. Or avoid bad situations all together and simply focus on the good. It's kinda hard right now.

Like, for instance, yesterday I was reading Daniel Deronda, and three chapters in, I realise that the character of Gwendolen reminds me of the Gwendolen Fairfax in The Importance of Being Earnest. I remember playing Gwendolen Fairfax, she was hoity-toity, self-absorbed (in a humourous way), she put on and paraded her heirs in front of the less fortunate because it gave her esteem. I had a lot of fun with that character, and everyone told me I made her perfect. Well, this Gwendolen in Daniel Deronda is sorta the same thing, but without the humour. She sorta loves herself, but without satisfaction. She can stare at herself without looking. Do you know what I mean? She knows she's admirable, she knows she's beautiful, but it's just what she knows. Even her beauty is that way, her eyes are lively like she is, her nose is upturned (a symbol that she believes herself to be better than others), her lips are so full that they curl upwards, and she's not exceptionally beautiful, but, rather, something beautiful to see. It's strange. But all these people that barely know me tell me, "You don't look like an Amanda... you remind me more of a Gwen. A Gweniviere or a Gwendolen. Can I call you Gwen?" Yeah, sure. I've heard that from 3 or 4 people now. I don't think a face is inherited with such a name, I think it's a personality that they see. Grr! I don't want to be a Gwendolen! They're evil!

And I think I am one.

Well, I think that's all I've got to say.

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one thousand embraces

SILENCE, TRAITOR! - 2006-05-10
Irish History - 2006-05-02
Goodbye Bio! - 2006-05-01
DANCE, WATER! DANCE! - 2006-04-26
Gaaaaaah. - 2006-04-24

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