That came from Will & Grace. & I love Will & Grace.
Today I filmed my first movie. It sucked. Good stuff, man. Some shots that were supposed to cut to the Village People got cut off, and then the pictures of Elton John, Liberace, and Michael Jackson got cut off, too. But I can tell the class where it all goes and show them the pics I edited.
Oh! For those of you who have no idea about what I speak of, I had to film a movie about Robin Hood for English class. I'll add the script at the end for those who wanna read it. Very Monty-Python/The Blair Witch Project/Lord of the Rings/ The Matrix. You'll see.
Then we threw paintballs around in the back yard (and I got to take off my tunic, leggings and red-feathered hat [yep, I went all out on this one, looked absolutely ridiculous] tho I left my cool shirt on. Geez, I'm hungry. I could eat or something...
But then I'd be fat. And I don't wanna be fat. I'll wait until dinner. I should sincerely stop eating like a hobbit, it can't be good for me. Though having my own second breakfast club is pretty cool.
My grandma's watching Lifetime, and I can hear it all the way in here. MAKE IT STOP! CAN'T TAKE THE CHICK MOVIES ANYMORE! Why does everyone say Braveheart is a chick flick? I'm a chick, and I say it's not. Is it Mel Gibson in a kilt? Is it the various love interests ending in tragedy? Nah, there are tons of blood and guts (literally) scenes in that movie, it was meant for all audiences! Men, women, and children alike! FREEDOM!
I'm Scottish, heehee!
And Irish, and English, and German, and Cherokee. Hey! Johnny Depp is part Cherokee, too! Cool! He's also old enough to be my dad, and he's still really hot. And that's just kinda creepy. Wow, I'm hungry.
I just gagged myself with my scarf, tied it really tight around my mouth so I wouldn't do no talking (that last bit was in a ganster accent, think Godfather).
Wow, I'm hungry. And I have a Lord of the Rings song stuck in my head. The pretty Shire one that makes you think of hot dudes, wait, nope, now it's an H2O Madonna remix, "Like A Prayer". Darn. I'm hungry.
I'm related to Madonna. If I'm related to Madonna, am I related to Britney Spears? EEEEEWWW! She's the spawn of Satan...no, actually I think that's Liv Tyler. Then would Steven Tyler be Satan? Well, then Britney Spears is the spawn of the spawn of Satan. Well, Madonna's worse then her. Then Britney is the spawn of the spawn of the spawn of Satan (Steven Tyler) closely followed by Joan Rivers and John Rhys-Davies. Because he's mean. I'm hungry.
No! No more food, I just ate! I need to ween myself off this I-eat-way-too-much thing. I swear I'm not anorexic, I just seriously eat when there's food in front of me, and I get used to that extra food and am growing hungry without it. If I stop eating those in-between-meal snacks then I wouldn't be so angry with myself when I catch my mouth stuffed with Candy Corn.
Candy Corn is so addicting. It's the best part of Halloween minus Johnny Depp movies and dressing up. Candy Corn has to be Satan's ambrosia, used to make teenage girls that are obsessed with Harry Potter get fat.
And who's Satan? Steven Tyler. That's right. Then, who's Steven Tyler's advocate? Sean William Scot, I can't stand that guy. His face is off centre, and it makes me irritable. So the Devil's (Steven Tyler's) advocate is Sean William Scot. Does the Devil's advocate have any spawn? But the spawn of the Devil's Advocate doesn't make sense. Well, then, at least we have a basic family tree. Oh! I forgot Avril Lavigne, she can be Satan's (Steven Tyler's) evil Canadian minion.
I love Canada...I can't say the same for Avril.
I'm hungry. And I'm covered in mosquito bites. Sigh.
Well, lemme paste the script in here, kinda long, but genius. Un moment, s'il vous plait!
Narrator: And where we begin, the Sheriff of Nottingham, Ralf Fitz-Gerald, has captured the brave Robin Hood’s best men, along with Robin’s love and Ralf’s future wife, the Maiden Marian. Robin and his remaining men invade the hanging of those captured.
(Robin and his men run through a forest, and come to their hideout, clearly marked by a sign that says, “This is not Robin H’s hideout”)
Friar: What took you so long?
Robin: We were being hunted. So it begins. Will!
Robin: John! (Cuts to John eating chicken leg, he doesn’t hear) John!
John: (mutters something unintelligible)
Robin: Err, right! Friar!
Friar: I am right behind you all the way. God be with us, Robin, with His will we…
Robin: THAT’S ENOUGH! We’ve only got 5-7 minutes for this thing, so shut up. Fanny, John’s wife, lady, person, thing…
Fanny: We must save my son! He was captured when the Sheriff sent legions of Celts to invade Sherwood, and is about to hang by the hand of evil!
Robin: Well, at least we’ve covered the back-story. Let’s all get some horrible costumes and plan a complex escape for those who are hanging! And we’re off!
Cuts to the scene with the hanging. Marian and Sheriff sit next to each other in big, fancy seats
Sheriff: Evil Henchman!
Evil Henchman: (in a big, dark cloak) (in a high, squeaky voice) Yes, sir?
Sheriff: Start the hanging! And hit puberty or something.
E. Hench: Yes, sir. (lifts axe) Are you ready, Village People? (shows a picture of the Village People) Good. Are you ready, People of the Village?
Person of the Village: (half-heartedly) Yea. (waves a banner)
Sheriff: Where are the other people of the village?
Person: “Matrix Revolution” just came out. I never understood the other two.
Sheriff: Oh. Well, you’re not the only one who didn’t understand. Get on with it, then.
E. Hench: Oh, alright. (to the little boy about to hang) And you people should be ashamed of yourselves for being good folk. Shame, shame, shame on you!
Sheriff: And what are you doing now?
E. Hench: Reprimanding them, sir!
Sheriff: But, they’re about to hang!
E. Hench: But, I wanted them to…
Sheriff: JUST GO ALREADY!
E. Hench: (reaches leg over to kid the chair under child’s feet)
Little Kid: You won’t want to do that, then.
E. Hench: And why not?
Little Kid: Because I’m a little kid. Haven’t you ever seen “The Ring” or “The Good Son” or “The Sixth Sense”? You just don’t mess with little kids, or I’ll pull a Tiny Tim on you. (Henchman falters)
Sheriff: Well, what are you waiting for?
E. Hench: I’m scared of him.
Marian: JUST DO IT ALREADY! KILL THE UGLY KID!
Sheriff: (in awe) Are you on MY side?
Marian: Uh, I mean… “Woe-is-me. I mourn Robin Hood, whom I presume to be dead.”
Sheriff: I’m doin’ it myself. (gets up to kick the chair himself,Robin Hood rushes in) (Shows a shot of his men waving their swords and yelling, then cuts back to Robin and the Sheriff)
E. Hench: (has been kicked out of the scene) Ahh! It’s Legolas!
Robin: I AM NOT Legolas!
E. Hench: Oh. Ahh! It’s Will Turner from Pirates of the Carribean!
Robin: I have NOTHING to do with Orlando Bloom!
E. Hench: Oh. Ahh! It’s Catherine Zeta-Jones!
Robin: (stands dumbfounded) Robin Hood. I’m Robin Hood.
(Cuts to village people, then to person of the village with the “Home Alone” face and a gasp)
Marian: What?!? You’re supposed to be six feet under…I mean, oh, my hero!
Robin: (to Sheriff) You’re gonna get yours. I’m gonna take you down. Gonna take you down to China Town.
Sheriff: Whatever you big-flaming, feather-wearing, disco-dancing, Elijah Wood-kissing, Cher-loving, Vermont-living queer. (kicks at chair, shows little boy with rope pulled tight, he sticks out his tongue and gags, but a sword comes and cuts the rope, camera pulls out, boy falls to ground, gets up, camera cuts to Robin Hood’s men, waving their swords but Fannie drops hers to embrace her son) (shows Village People, then people of the Village, all of whom are returned and wearing Matrix shirts and sunglasses shouting, “Hooray!”)
Robin: Take that! And I AM not gay! (they begin to sword-battle)
Sheriff: Not gay? You’re wearing a dress!
Robin: Tunic! IT’S A TUNIC!
Sheriff: It’s a man dress, just like Legolas wears. So, then is the “Return of the Queen”? (Cuts to Robin’s men waving swords but laughing and John saying, “Haha, queen, I get it!)
Robin: I am NOT GAY (they begin fighting again, and their cardboard swords bend, so they drop them and begin silly-slapping each other, Robin b***** slaps Sheriff who keels over)
(Shows Village People, then People of the Village yelling “Hooray! We’re free!”)
Marian: Hooray, I’m free! And, Robin, if you didn’t love men, then I’d maybe perhaps contemplate marrying you. Well, no, probably not. But I’d give you one of my cats. But all of my cats are homophobes.
Robin: I am NOT GAY!
John: You’re not? (shows a picture of sad, crying Elton John) Darn.
Friar: I concur. (shows a picture of a sad, crying Liberace)
E. Hench: Chicks get all the good ones. (Shows a picture of a smiling Micheal Jackson)
(They all stand there for a moment, and then laugh)
Narrator: And thus Robin Hood married the Maiden Marian, and were even visited by the good King, himself, on their wedding day amidst their friends and a blooming spring wood. How lovely.
(Plays credits and “Braveheart” on the Cello plays)
(Back in the hideout)
Robin: (Eating a slice of pizza0 This is really good pizza. Funny, I didn’t see a delivery boy.
Little Boy: It’s not delivery (pulls out DiGiorno box), It’s DiGiorno.